The day I chose to say No more

WHEN I CHOSE TO LET YOU GO.

When I chose to let you go, there was no great moment of triumph. There wasn’t an earth-shattering epiphany that changed my life, where music played and the universe conspired to bring everything together for good.

There was no conflict, no turmoil and no struggle. No internal argument. No weighing of pros and cons. No decision to be analyzed to death—even by me, who cannot make a decision without weeks of obsessive thought over every possible outcome.

There were only two words, when I chose to let you go:

No more.No more of being held prisoner by you, no more beatings no more being held down against my will no more begging for mercy for my life my family my son.. NO MORE !!!

No more will I measure my worth against your opinion. No more will I be pressed into the shapes you carved for me. No more will I tell my heart to quiet down, ashamed of its scars of abuse by you. No more will there be blood on my feet from the eggshells I walked on as I tried not to give cause for your disapproval.No more will there be blood on my face from the marks of you ,, no more..

No more will I anguish over the ways you misunderstood me. No more will I fight to justify the intention of my heart. No more will I beg for you to see me, the real me—to know me, to love me.No more will I be your puppet on a string to control to abuse to rape as you will no more.... No more..

No more will I live my life for you.No more will I live in fear of you. No more will I cover the scars from you. No more will I fear sleep because of you, no more will I allow my family to not know the full truth as to why I can't see them. no more will I lie to cover up bruises broken bones NO MORE of any of it NO MORE !

When I chose to let you go, there was no holy encounter. The stars did not collapse from the sky and cascade into the oceans. There was no ferocious wind that rattled the walls or blazing fire that consumed all within its destructive path.

There was only quiet resolution, the silent death of me like leaves that drift to the ground as frost begins to waste them away. And there I found myself, in the barren ground where you once stood; the ground where you left me to die over and over again and I came to understand there must be winter.all things have to die was it my time or was it

Winter in all its loss, its grief, its letting go. There must be a time for old things to die, that new things may be born.

When I chose to let you go, it was for me. I chose to save my life the day I chose to leave you.I chose to save my life.

I learned to love myself even when you made me feel I deserved no love. To honor my own needs, my own heart and my own potential. To walk my own path, not yours.I chose not be a prisoner of your abuse.. To not be pulled back into your confines while my spirit yearned to be free.

When I chose to let you go, I made coffee, ate toast, and folded clothes. I went to yoga and collected my mail and paid my bills. There was nothing out of place on the outside of my ordinary life—no visible change, nothing new or different.Only it was without fear of being beaten for a mistake in only your eyes..

There was only surrender.There was only saving me.

One moment.

One breath.

I chose to let you go.

And in doing so, I chose me.'Ichose to live..