Lifetime of guilt

I’ve lived my life under the assumption that I don’t need you, that I never needed you. You were never truly there so how could I actually miss you?How is it even possible?You walked away when I was 5 and you were never a constant in my life again. I thought this never affected me because I was too young to really remember you being there, but I remember too much about it all...The broken promises of trips and gifts. The missed phone calls on Christmases and birthdays.I felt I was stronger than to let it affect me. I didn’t need you, because I never had you.Not even for the 6 years you lived with us, you were there in body but never an ounce of love was shown..not one.But it did affect me. I’ve never wanted to use the term mom Issues.. you gave birth your not a "Mother" you never deserved that title..I’ve never wanted you to affect my future relationships with men, to have that power over me, but dam I turn around and there it is out of the blue.I don’t want to be weak. I’ve never wanted to admit to feeling abandoned. Feeling as if this person whom you love wants nothing to do with you. But I have felt it many times...and so have my 4 brothers.When you’re 6 years old, you can’t rationalize this away. You can’t think to yourself, I didn’t know you had such terrible anxiety that you would cut off contact with the people you care about for weeks or months on end, I didn’t know how pathetically you held onto your past relationships, never really moving on, never finding anyone else. All I knew was you leaving. And being a completely self-absorbed 5 year old, the only reasonable option was that it was me.after all you looked me in the eye many times and said to me and all of us, you little bastard you have ruined my life, I'm never going to have the life I deserve having to be stuck in this hell hole with you 5 brats..I know better now. I know those things about you that make you do the things you do. I’ve accepted the fact that you simply cannot and could never be the Mother that I wished you could, that I needed.A mother was all I ever wanted to be in this world to show my child all the love you never did to me, I was blessed that God chose to send to me my son and my lil girl. he also saw fit to take her back to heaven with him, holding your dying child is a pain that no one on this earth should ever have to feel, I felt that pain , I feel it every single day of my life,and nothing on this earth can ever ease it and take it away, so how could you just leave us , and ever look back how??You didn't care then and you never will...And after all the pain you have caused all the tears , all the insecurities and blame I've carried around all my life I care, how is that possible, I've ask God how many times...and I came to the conclusion of this to make it easier..But your brain doesn’t work the way other people’s brains work. It twists things and makes you uncomfortable, anxious, and scared. Sometimes I wish you’d let me in so I could know your suffering, but I’m fine being at a distance.I’ve accepted our relationship and you for what you are. But the feelings of abandonment don’t just go away. They come back now and then. Something will trigger me and I’ll resort back to feeling like that abandoned and alone 6 year old girl who wasn’t good enough for her own mother to love... so how can I accept being loved by anyone else ... truly accept it? Like a puppy whose owner leaves it at home alone for the first time, I get panicky that they aren’t coming back, that they don’t care.I’ve felt it slightly from small, seemingly harmless instances like when a boy doesn’t text me back, or a friend can’t make time for me or my boyfriend doesn’t want to hangout. All reasonable things that happen to everyone in their daily lives. Yet it can affect me differently. Then when something big happens, like heartbreak, it can hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking the wind right out of me. I can’t just feel the pain of what’s happening right now, I feel all the pain I’ve ever felt all at once. Do you even know the damage you have done?I’m learning though. I’ve started to be able to tell the difference between the emotional pain that I’m feeling because of a present experience or a past experience. I’m learning to leave that emotional pain in the past along with my romanticized version of what I wanted you to be..The guy who didn’t text me back wasn’t that important to me anyway. or the friend who can’t make time for me is just genuinely busy in their own life and is doing the best they can. These type things,Heartbreak can’t break me; I have too much love in my life to carry on over the loss of you.So, these are the things I wish you knew. I wish you knew I needed you but that I don’t anymore. I wish you knew how you hurt that 5 year old girl, and how you hurt her over and over again throughout the years. But I’ve learned it doesn’t have to negatively affect my future relationships and that all that little 6year old girl needs once in a while is a hug. A hug to let her know that everything’s going to be okay, that it wasn’t her fault, and that she’s worth sticking around for and that someday the pain of you will fade away and I can accept love as freely as I can give it, My greatest accomplishment inmy life so far is being Adam's Mom and it is the one thing I know deep in my heart and in my soul I did 100 percent right and he knows without a doubt and I feel that each time I feel his arms wrapped around me and those words I love you Mom words you will never hear, and you had the chance to hear them 5 times as often.. DO I feel sorry for you NO , DO I hate you NO , I feel nothing for you Nothing at all....I have a Mother his name is Sam and he is heaven and he watches out for me each and every single day Yes he does :)