Taking back time to 3 yrs ago

Every time that I think I am starting to get use to the way things are, something different happens.I have become use to myself without hair. I have become use to the scars, I know that loosing my hair is temporary, but the scars it leaves emotionally is a mark to show the battle that I am fighting.. I don’t mind people knowing about my journey, but I hope in years to come there will be a time in my life that isn’t consumed around cancer.

I woke up this morning, and noticed that the majority of my eyebrows, and eyelashes have fallen out. I haven’t been touching them in hope that maybe that would hold on for dear life these next couple months. You see I tell myself that when I have my hat on people just think that I have really short hair underneath, or maybe they would even believe I have had a bad hair that I want no one to see. But now that I am loosing my eyelashes, and eyebrows I once again feel like I can’t hide what I am going through.

I am in no way ashamed that I have cancer. But more then anything I really long to go back to a time in my life that there wasn’t any anxiety, or fear that this battle could take my life. So when I went out with my hat on, I really truly believed that I could stop thinking of cancer for the next couple of hours, and everyone I see wouldn’t know what I am battling. I want to help whoever I can. I would be willing to talk to anyone who is going through the same thing, or even urge them to go get checked it is really important.

I tell myself that there is really a reason for everything. As hard as it is to accept that this is what was meant to happen, I believe that I was ,dealt these cards because I can handle them. Last night I was sitting in the living room eating dinner, and I just started to cry. I know sometimes that it is easy to push away all the fear that I am having. But sometimes its healthy to just let it out. JT came, and just hugged me and held on. Then I noticed there was a tear on my ear, and I realized he was crying too. No matter how much I like to think, and hope that his life can remain a little less unchanged then mine, I know thats not possible. He is suffering just as much as I am.My Best friend in this whole world

I know that we will come out on top. Its very hard for me not to let all of my negative thoughts consume my mind. But I keep telling myself this is what was meant to happen, and we will make it through it no matter what.I have been having a little trouble when it comes to writing my blog lately. In so many ways it helps me to write down my thoughts, and to keep everyone updated with what is going on. But ever since my last chemotherapy I have been a little down. I know that I shouldn’t let things let cat scans scare me. In order to beat this cancer I need to be positive, and believe in myself. But the one thing that frustrates me more then anything is I have no control over my body.As much as I want to believe that I have control over my body, and this disease I don’t.I know that everyone is trying to be supportive, and understanding when they tell me that everything is going to be fine, and that they know the chemotherapy is working. I want so badly more then anything to believe that. I want to sleep at night, and believe that all my bad luck is behind me. But as hard as I try I can’t. I replay certain things over, and over in my head that I think will help me. For example my Doctor told me ” I have no reason to believe that the chemotherapy isn’t working I just want to make sure.” That should be a really good thing, and all that I can focus on. But the truth is I can’t. In the beginning my Doctor told me he was hopeful that the cancer wasn’t in my lymph nodes, and it was. I wish so badly that I could forget all the negative things that happened in the beginning, and I want to just move on, and beat this disease. A part of me thinks I should be so grateful that my Doctor wants to do the cat scan now. Some people get all the way through there treatment, and they don’t have a scan until the end. Don’t I want to know what is going on in my body? Wouldn’t I rather find out now then three months down the road when I am done treatment? The answer to both of those questions are yes, and yes. But there is that little voice in the back of my head saying, ” if its still there how are you going to beat it.”I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. I have an amazing support system way more then most people, two families that would do anything for me, and a best friend who supports me no matter what I do. Like I have said before there are some days that are so much easier then most, and I really need to soak those days in and appreciate them. I wish I could just focus on the positives in my life. When I am done this treatment I get to sit on on the beach in Punta Cana with JT with our closest friends, and family. I should just focus on all the things in my life that I can control. and hope for the best when it comes to the things that I can’t.

This was a post from exactly 2yrs ago today, and the battle rages on not the same but yet it rages, will there ever be a day that my life the meaning of me does not contain the words cancer...???Will there God just answer me PLZ........