No HAir DOn't CAre............................................

As women I think most of us take having hair for granted. We whine that it doesn’t do what we want it too, if we have straight hair we wish it was curly, and we try to dye it to be the color we wish it would be. I myself have always been grossed out by hair. In fact I made a term for myself I am a “hairaphoeb.” I can’t look at hair without going gahhhh ,I can’t clean my hairbrush out without makin a face , even when I know it’s all my hair. It’s a little ridiculous I know, but I have always been that way. So when my hair started falling out in clumps I wasn’t sure how to react. One week after chemo my hair started to fall out. I called my best friend and My aunt, My Aunt Katie told me she would come over that night, and help me. She cut a couple inches off of my hair, and she said we could cut it slowly so it wasn’t going to be so drastic for me. About five days later my hair really started to fall out. No matter how hard I pulled strands of hair were falling everywhere. Watching my hair fall out slowly was not something I could deal with. To me it made it worse. I knew no matter how hard I tried to hold on to having hair; it was still going to fall out. I decided it was time to cut it off. I txted JT, and asked him if he would help me he said You know there is nothing I would't help you do. No matter how well I thought I prepared myself, when it actually came time to cut my hair off I couldn’t believe it. I asked JT if at first I could go in the bathroom by myself. As I began cutting my hair tears started streaming down my face. I couldn’t control it. Who is this person I am looking at in the mirror, I couldn’t believe it was me. Derek came in to help me with the last part of cutting my hair, he was so supportive. But no matter how many times he told me I was beautiful I still couldn’t get use to looking at myself. I put a hat on, and thought to myself this is something that is definitely going to take some getting used to. When I saw some family the next day and my 2 lil nepehews I was nervous. I didn’t want to scare them. They are little kids, and I know they love me no matter what but my hair was a drastic change. When I took my hat off Wes, and Jax laughed, and Wes told me I looked like JT . It made me smile. They don’t care what I look like. Having them in my life through all of this has helped me so much. I know no matter what I look like, they don’t really understand what is truly going on, and it’s the one part of my life I know cancer cannot change. My family and friends had a chemo party for me that night. I was so nervous to see everyone I just wanted to keep my hat on the whole night. When I took it off, everyone told me I looked great. I wanted so badly to believe them. That Sunday night I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I took off my hat, and realized that the little hair I had was still falling out. I pulled a tiny clump out of the side of my head. I couldn’t believe how easily it was still coming out. The side of my head was completely bald. Words can’t describe how shocked I was when I saw bald spots on my head. I called my Nana, and asked her to come shave the rest off. I knew this was going to be even harder than the first time Derek, and I cut my hair. Looking in the mirror when myNana was finished I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I have cancer, and now when I look at myself I can’t avoid it anymore. Right now I am fighting for my life. I have no hair and I don't care.