Life now
At this moment, I’m sitting in a large field, covered with newly green grass and a blanket of dandelions as far as I can see. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the air is pure and clean, and the wind is blowing just enough to cool the sun’s warm rays.
There isn’t a soul in sight and I don’t have anywhere to be.
And as I sit here on this near perfect day, I have to be thankful for this opportunity. Not the opportunity to work from my laptop or even to be self employed.
What I am thankful is for this life and what I’m choosing to do with it right now.
Life is exactly what we make of it. No more and no less. And up until recently, I made my life a twisted maze of unhappiness, discontentment, and self-loathing.
To be able to sit and write my thoughts in solitude, with nothing but the gentle breeze whispering in my ear while feeling a sense of inner peace, is invaluable.
But before I delve off into talking about wind chimes, incense, and dream catchers, let me first take you back in time to a much different life.I grew angry at the circumstances of my life. I was angry at family and everyone really for not being more supportive of my dreams. I was angry at my boss for being an asshole. And I was most angry at myself for allowing my life to become one big grind.And as my frustration turned to anger, and the anger to hopelessness, I gave up. I checked out of life. I showed up to work, I came home, I took care of my son, and I went to bed.I had lost all passion for living. I felt useless, had a husband that was more abusive by the day an addict ,I In my mind, I was completely fucked.So I did what everyone tells us we’re supposed to do. I sucked it up. I reported to work, did my job and went home. I ate dinner with my family, had BBQ’s on the weekend, mowed the lawn, and went on with my life, and pretended everything was hunky dory.After another 2 years of the same ol’, same ol’, including countless trips to the ER , bruises I couldn't begin to count, stitches, broken arms questions from those I loved most about how did this or that happen, and you know what having to lie to them hurt worse than my beatings, it was the worst thing ever and so I decided I just couldn’t take it anymore.I Each night as I lay my head down on my pillow, my heart would start racing, then skip a beat, then start pounding.I began to realize that the stress of my life, all of it, was literally going to kill me. A 39 years old, I knew I was not too young to have a heart attack and I sure as shit didn’t want to find out if the statistics were true.Or worse I knew was gonna be beaten to death by the one person I most feared and I knew from the rage I saw it was going to be sooner than later if I didn't get out but I waited too long, out of fear threats to my son, my family I just couldn;t risk them being hurt over me...And then one Tuesday night I woke up at 2AM with a startle and in a pool of sweat It was then that I knew my life was about to change forever, I just had this sick feeling and I was right. That night I knew without a doubt was going to be my last one on this earth and I fought harder than I have ever fought and I lost.I woke up in the front yard pouring down rain , I couldn't tell how badly I was bleeding for the rain. Every time I tried to get up he was there to kick me down again, finally I realized if I didn't pretend to be out cold it would go on the rest of the night , so Iaid completely still until I heard him walk away then I heard his truck I dragged my self inside, 3 days later in so much pain I couldn't move, I called my brother, I remember being hooked up to some things and that was it for the next 9 days, I spent 19 days in ICU several surgeries ,loss of a kidney but more than anything the loss of me. I died it seemed a little each day for the last 2 yrs I was married but that night what was left of me was completely gone I've spent years recovering form that one night. And so on December 7, 2015, on an unseasonably warm winter day, I vowed to start my life over.Let me bring you back to today. I’m still sitting in my lounge chair listening to the soft calls of the sparrows and robins. The wind has picked up and the temperature has cooled. But the sun is still beating on my face and I feel free.The only reason I am sharing all of this is right now is because there are millions of women that know exactly what I’m talking about because they are living it right now.You may be saying to yourself “holy shit, that’s MY life”. And I want you to know that there IS a better way to live.Yes it’s going to be harder than anything you’ve ever done. You’ll have fear, anxiety, paranoia, and a seemingly endless supply of tears but guess what you won’t have?Your life does not have to suck. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be difficult. And as a matter of fact, it can be downright awesome! You cannot and will not ever get this time back. So if your thinking that you’ll make a change next week, next month, or next year. Don’t wait. Your life may depend on it .They are stealing something in an unforgivable way because they are stealing something, the only thing, that cannot be returned. TIME .It pains me to see people living the life I did, it really does. I know there are many women in desperate need of a life change but are too scared to take the risk and change it. I’ve been through some desperate times, and through many lonely years. Don’t do it. Please. You deserve more from life. You deserve to be happy.I realize that I can only do so much by sharing my words with you. I can threaten, coax, beg, and plead for you to make a change but I can only be so effective as a random blogger.I didn’t write this post out of self pity, to play the victim, or to get attention. My message is this GET out while you can don't stay out of fear or threats make the decision it stops TODAY. But whatever your reason for staying may be, I ask you, from a person who lived far too long in misery, stop now.Take responsibility for your life and your future self seek help and live the life you know you deserve and not the one your living now.